The deconstruction of love

By Charles Marsh

Secular society has wrecked itself utterly in the matter of how, typically, women and men in love relate to one another. The secular view is that love is all about attraction and affection and that it is measured by the strength and urgency of our feelings. Quite often the secular thinking is echoed and believed by people in the church, to their detriment. I would like to draw this to the attention of both women and men. We need to reexamine relationships and how they work.

What we do, based on wrong expectations, is find someone who sparks our flame and stokes our fire and think we have thereby found a candidate to give us lifelong bliss. We have the qualifications wrong because the job of wife or husband is actually a bit more involved than tab A into slot B.

The wrong understanding is the result of a secular worldview that excludes the supernatural, exalts the merely material and physical, and sees people as meaty machinery rather than living souls within ephemeral bodies.  Contemporary society is eager to reject any ideas that are old and religious, especially those that get in the way of immediate gratification of desire. It has deconstructed the whole complex set of assumptions and expectations that in former times surrounded love and marriage, in favor of a single, simple commandment: Thou shalt be turned on. Anyone who makes your heart go pitter-pat is a good mate, even regardless of gender, and a romance has turned bad when the thrill is gone.

We should think, instead, that a really good romance is the one that endures when the thrill is gone or, as is the usual case in practice, the thrill comes and goes while esteem and commitment and honor remain. Marriage, properly viewed, is a compact of honor, far more than a statement about feelings. That is why we seal it with an oath.  We would not think much of a soldier who honors his oath of service only so long as he is not scared, or a policeman who deserts his sworn responsibilities when he meets with sickening events. In the same way, a spouse who is steadfast only so long as things remain sweet and nice is not much of a husband, or wife.

Of course, what frequently happens is that when the sweetness and excitement flag, a secularly-minded spouse seeks solace elsewhere, leading to the familiar cycle of adultery, divorce, remarriage, rinse and repeat. People should stop and think. If they find themselves going from lover to lover and never finding lasting contentment, should this not be a clue to them that they are going about romance in the wrong way?

Let me suggest a way of falling in love that is rather better than doing things in the modern way. If the modern way were the right way then people would tend to remain happy with the spouses they get, which is often not what happens. The mistake people are making here is beginning from eros and trying to piece things together from there.

I suggest going about things differently. In explaining step by step I do not think that every step needs to occur in the order given. Love is not that orderly. But all of these steps must be made, whether in order of not. I will tell it from the man's point of view, because it is the one familiar to me, but the same steps, and same considerations, apply from the woman's side.

Let me suggest that true love begins from admiration not eros. You have a high opinion of who and what she is. You may admire her for the way she thinks or for her imagination or verve or diligence in her responsibilities or any of a number of good qualities she may possess. Omit, for the present, admiration of her looks or figure or how she moves or kisses--those things belong to the realm of eros and we are not there yet. We shall arrive there henceforth. For now you are considering less tangible qualities, things to do with character and mind.

What do you think of her spiritual life and walk? Do you admire her in that way? Is her insight and heart for the gospel similar to your own, so that you understand each other on that score?

After you have found a woman you really find admirable, it is quite likely that you will see her as worthy of your help and comfort. Those things are a lot of what a godly husband does day to day, so you need to be willing, even eager, to do them if you are to serve her properly as her husband.

If you find in yourself a desire to serve this woman, in the sense of always helping her along life's way, that is well and good. You may proceed to think that maybe a healthy romance with her could possibly be in your future. If not, let the question go. She is not for you because you are assuredly not for her. She needs your service if she is fully to serve you in turn. In a healthy romance you end up propping each other up.

Now ask yourself whether your desire to serve is altogether unselfish. Would your service be grudging or done in expectation of reward? Or is her good really your top concern? If it is you may inch toward a conclusion that you have a match. Of course she has the ultimate veto in whether she wants your admiration and service. Sometimes she doesn't: just one of those things. In that case shrug and move on. Weep if you like. But in any case move on.

But if all is well up to now, you may open the question in your own mind of whether your feelings for her rise to the level of agape, the selfless love that puts the other's good ahead of one's own. Of course that is the Christian ideal, love that is selfless, and as the apostle says, the husband ought lay down his life for the wife as Christ did for his church. That is a high bar to jump. As to what it means in practical terms, you will frame all your life decisions around her safety and wellbeing, not your own preferences. In trivial examples, you may decide you ought to quit smoking or sell your motorcycle, as these things in your life pose some level of risk to her servant and protector. Did I mention that this is a high bar? For a less trivial test, if it came to it, would you die defending her?

From this point onward, things become very easy. You see that she ought to have husband and children, and eros grows out of that. I was astonished to find out that eros can proceed from agape in this way, even with a woman you might not have thought was your 'type.' But it can, and eros found that way is deeper and more powerful than if you had begun from erotic attraction and then tried to tack on true love, as an afterthought. So, as usual, this world has things entirely backwards. Are you looking for a wife? Start your search among the women you find admirable in their hearts and souls, then see where that leads you.

There is an old saying, "Lookin' don't last, cookin' do." While that is certainly true, I would add that an even more important thing is true. Lookin' don't last but soul and heart and character do.

Regular readers of this blog already know how I think all this relates to Christian unity. Churches that have abandoned real and true ideas about marriage have thrown away something of vast importance and placed themselves at odds with churches where such ideas are still respected. Churches that follow the world in this question damage their own witness, for Christian marriage is a holy thing that reflects something about how our Creator relates to us.

Here are a couple of posts, from other blogs, that you may like if you want something further on the general theme of marriage and Christians:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/evangelicalpulpit/2015/09/dont-force-your-happily-ever-after/?ref_widget=popular&ref_blog=preventingrace&ref_post=wisdom-cries-aloud

http://www.academia.edu/11848082/Your_Maker_is_Your_Husband_The_Divine_Marriage_Metaphor_and_the_New_Covenant