Unrequited love

A young man came to see me the other day. I had not seen him for several years, but I remembered him clearly. I had been, I hope, of some help to him previously in his spiritual growth, as his teacher, challenging him and offering the kinds of unsolicited advice that a young man may see as helpful in retrospect, if not at the time.

He was back now seeking advice. There was this girl, see... As he talked about her it was clear that he was thoroughly smitten. Cupid had scored a direct hit. My young friend was head over heels.

The trouble was that the young lady returned his affections unequally. She thought he was nice. She wanted to keep him as a friend. She had feelings and desires. As for the rest it was no dice, buster. She didn't want to date him anymore, now that she knew he had real and deep feelings for her--feelings of love, the real and dangerous kind that can spin your life around. His thoughts had turned to marriage and children and committing his life to her happiness and protection, and she, apparently, was singing "Girls just want to have fun."

I do not know how or why that happens, but it is not an infrequent occurrence. Something of the sort had even happened to me, years ago. It is as awkward a thing as can happen in a young man's life: to have found the One, only to discover one's self to be a zero. It was as painful as any feeling I have encountered. I had gotten to the point of pricing engagement rings, before the bomb fell, and had thought up names for babies.

My young friend had already heard all the usual platitudes offered to cheer the jilted. People said things to him like, try to think of her good and not your own. Really, you can be happy if she is happy, wherever she is and whatever she is doing, if you really love her. I suppose there is a bit of truth to that. Of course he did not see why her best future  could not include him to look after her, but he saw the principle.

He heard also the good advice that he avoid places where she would be. Out of sight, out of mind. He was, of course, not going to stop attending church, and she was there every Sunday, but he took to sitting in the back.

The trouble was that these and the rest of the usual truisms and platitudes were, although well intended, inadequate to my friend's needs. In this case they were like Band-Aids applied to saber cuts; the treatment was perhaps right in its idea, but inadequate.

As I said, I had formerly lent a hand, a helpful one I hope, in my young friend's spiritual education, so I took up my old role of pedant and asked, "What is the godly response to unrequited love?"

"You mean, like 'what would Jesus do?''

"I prefer to think of the Trinity in Unity," I said, "But that's it, basically. God offers his love to someone, it is not returned and it is clear it never will be. What is God's response?"

A look of astonishment spread slowly across his face. While before he had seemed on the verge of tears, now he began to laugh softly. "To hell with Anna Malone,* then?"

"God," I said, "would not be wise to admit into his household those who have no love for him. So he excludes them. Of course you must do likewise for your own household. So far as your own life and home and future, she has consigned herself to outer darkness.

"Not," I said, "that she isn't a good Christian woman in some ways and doubtless this is not a question of her being saved, but notice the structural similarities. Reject God's love and one is not of his household. I happen to believe that people judge themselves, 'the door into God's kingdom is locked on our side.' In rejecting your love, this woman likewise shows herself to be not of your household. If for some unimaginable cause she agreed to marry you, you would be an idiot to do it."

"You're talking about congruent arguments?"

"What I'm trying to tell you is that growing more Christlike is not always about 'gentle Jesus, meek and mild.' There is a tough side to godliness too, one able to look matters in the face. For all I know, maybe your young woman has just made the worst mistake of her life; who knows her reasons? The reasons do not greatly matter. A thing is what it is. You can't change a deuce into an ace by staring at it. So, yes, if you wish to put it that way, to hell with Anna."

I was beginning to ramble a bit, so I fell back on habit and began assigning homework. "You may be helped by looking at Paul's teachings about the bride of Christ, and the way he sees in it a reflection of human marriage. Several Epistles touch upon it. Don't neglect the Gospel references to Christ the great Bridegroom. All this ties together. Do the usual poking about elsewhere in scripture--you know the drill."

I sent my young friend on his way with his homework assignment, a slap on the back and my hearty assurance that all men find women impossible. When he was gone I dropped my façade of cheerful good sense. I remembered my own lost love, and frowned. Tears tried to come but I squeezed them back.

No doubt God regrets it when his love is refused, and people he loves and cares about thereby exclude themselves from all the good he would do for them and the love he would shower upon them. But his reaction is one hundred percent practical. And who knows? Perhaps God permits us to feel the pain of unrequited love so that we have some small idea of what things are like for him--rejected daily by millions.



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*Not her real name, of course.